Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Under the Tree (February Catch Up)

So this is a really cool support system I found on one of the blogs I am following. You can read all about it on Carly's blog here.

~February Questions~

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I have only been blogging about Caden for about a month. I have my other blogs, but I wanted something specifically for Caden. The main reason I started was because I had a photo website for Caden that I had posted on a few memorial sites and I am letting my subscription run out. I wanted to get something up in it's place and I thought this would be a great outlet to come and write my memories and thoughts, post photos or any other thing that reminds me of my boy. So far, I am getting a lot of my memories out and documented. It is a relief that I can remember almost 3 years back in the detail that I am. I don't ever want to forget anything!

Where is the safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
I honestly feel safe sharing my feelings anywhere. I really don't care what anyone else thinks. I am sure there are people out there that wish I wouldn't talk about my angel as often as I do, but like I said, I DON'T CARE! :)

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I can't. I tried reading through some books when I first lost my boy, but just couldn't do it. They weren't a comfort for me - more like a consolation. I found hearing personal stories and sharing mine, were far more beneficial.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby? How have you changed, who are you today?
I took things for granted. I was ignorant before. I had no idea how many babies that moms and dads have to say goodbye to. How can this still be happening in this day and age? I seriously thought things like this only happened to people who didn't nurture their unborn children. I guess I learned my lesson in the worst possible way!

I am obviously a different person today, not in who I am and how I act, but what I have become. I am a bereaved mother. I am sad more often than I used to be. I worry more. But I certainly appreciate what I have more.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I am coping - I am healing, but I will never be the same. I harbour a lot of negativity and I have learned life is not fair. I am incomplete. I will always long for my child. I feel robbed and I feel sorry for myself. And I think it is perfectly fine to feel that way!
Many people find faith through difficult times, but I am different. I have yet to make amends. I am angry at God. I hope that I can work on that eventually. But with all this I do see light - it has been nearly 3 years. My heart will go on and beautiful things have happened in my life. I will continue the lifetime healing process in the next year and hope that I will be able to control my anger & anxiety without medication by then! haha (see I can still laugh!)

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