Friday, April 24, 2009

Under the Tree ~ April

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

In June it will be 3 years since we said hello and goodbye to Caden. My grief has changed in many ways many times. At first, I didn't understand how I would be able to move on with my life. I was in deep disbelief and a horrible depression. I was literally sick with grief. I ended up in the ER 1 week after Caden's birth with them running CT scans trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I had flu like spells off an on for the next 3 months. I was worried about my living son and what kind of a mother I would be able to be to him. I was worried about my career (I was mentally unable to work) and my marriage. I was lonely even though I had such a wonderful support system. I felt trapped and like my grief would be like this for the rest of my life. Finally, my health returned and I started back to work. I think this is when my life began some normalcy. I started thinking about another baby. I started to begin that I would survive this and I could go on to live a happy life. I have since had many beautiful things happen in my life. Sometimes I feel guilt, but sometimes I am able to enjoy these moments. I can think about Caden and smile and I can think about Caden and cry. My grief will never go away, but it does become easier to go on.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It was very difficult at first. I definitely had a certain resentment toward those women even though I didn't know them from Adam. Why me, why my baby? What did I do to deserve this and why is it so easy for every one else in this world? As Brian and I decided to have another baby and it took so long, my resentment continued. Why is it so easy for other people to get pregnant? Why can all these people who don't even want kids, end up pregnant? I thought I didn't deserve to be a mom to any more children. I questioned my worthiness and my husband's worthiness. Finally I did get pregnant and my outlook seemed to change overnight. How selfish is that? I guess it is pretty darn easy to feel sorry for yourself when your baby dies though! I now feel excitement and wonder what each woman's story might be...

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

I did go to a counseling group that our hospital had for bereaved parents. It was difficult as Brian was unable to attend most of the sessions with me. It was hard. His work schedule just didn't allow him to be there. I felt cheated and like he would never understand my pain. My sister was my support and she went and cried with me. Thanks Deb.
A great support for me was through my babyzone message board. There was a board related to loss and the girls there were amazing. It was a comfort to know you are not alone and there are others out there that understand your pain.
I have stepped away from support in the last year, but recently had been longing for an outlet. I think it is important to always have SOMETHING. Blogging the last couple months has been great therapy for me. I have realized that after 3 years I have not forgotten the details about my baby. I find comfort that I am now documenting these memories so I DON'T forget. Caden will always be with me and sharing our story is something that does help.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for joining us under the tree this month. I'm so sorry for the loss of Caden.

    Blogging is amazing for grieving mothers. It really is