It has been nearly 3 years since Caden was born and memories are becoming fuzzy. I feel the need to write and reflect back on the days after Caden went to Heaven, but it's hard to think about the details. I guess I'll just start writing and see what surfaces.
I remember coming home from the hospital, Brian's family was in from Wyoming. When we pulled up to the house, his brother was mowing our lawn. Why I remember that, who knows? Maybe it was because I realized at that point how much we NEEDED our families in this insanely difficult time in our lives. I remember wanting to go home from the hospital so we could be alone. I didn't want anyone intruding on our lives and us having to cater to anyone. I guess I realized at that time that they we there to cater to us and help us through our grief. What a gift. I sat in our family room wavering between tears and sleep that first day back home, thinking about my angel, thinking how empty our house seemed, thinking about all the things we had to pull together in the week to follow. Is it really fair to ask a mom who has just given birth to scout out a final resting place for her child? It is not something that could be delayed. We HAD to do it. I remember my parents driving us all over town looking for the most beautifully amazing cemetery for our baby. Is there such a thing? It was horrible - nothing was good enough for our baby, except in our arms! I remember standing in baby land at a cemetery near our home, cars rushing along the highway just beyond the graves. I lost it. I dropped to my knees and just lost it. Remember that list of hard things? This was another one. My family took me away and we continued our search on another day.
1 year ago